10Rose: Admitting Feelings
by LucyyTennant
Summary: After 'The girl in the fireplace'- Rose wants so badly to tell the Doctor how she feels, and he wants to tell her, but will she be able to admit how she really feels after seeing the Doctor and Reinette?
1. Chapter 1

Doctor who.. fanfiction.. written off of the top of my head..

After "the girl in the fireplace"!

TARDIS life was amazing. Almost always, for the Doctor and Rose Tyler.

Almost doesn't really work in the context of what I'm trying to explain.

It's amazing. Apart from really tough days.

For Rose, 'tough days' mean, the days where she just wants to tell him. When she longs for him to hold her, but it feels like he's trying to avoid doing exactly that. When she feels like she could've done more to help on that particular occasion.

For the Doctor, it's when he feels he cant keep her safe. When he feels like he could've done more. To stop someone getting hurt. And he feels, if any of those two things were combined... when she got hurt when he couldn't be there to keep her safe, his hearts would break.

Rose thought the Doctor felt the same way, before they (The Doctor and Rose -and of course Mickey, who tagged along for his first adventure in the TARDIS) met Reinette, better known as the famous Madame De Pompadour.

Rose was lying awake in her bedroom in the TARDIS, she fidgeted and struggled to sleep for what felt like half the night before she finally realised she should just try to talk to the Doctor about what was nagging away at her mind.

The Doctor was tinkering with the controls in the console room, when he heard Rose enter the room he looked up, with an adorably curious look on his face.

She wondered when she would stop falling in love with him, and just be in love with him.

"What's up?", he asked finally, and Rose had realised she'd just been staring at him for about a minute.

"Well, I... I... Just couldn't sleep," She settled for, not being able to bring herself to tell him what she was really thinking:

"Would you really have left us there forever? Did you know you were going to be stuck? Would you have been happier with her?" And of course the one question she dare not ask, "Were you in love with her?".

She didn't and wouldn't say any of those things, mostly because she thought she couldn't bare the answers, and she didn't want to have to make him answer those questions anyway. She didn't want to ruin their friendship.

"Ah, well I've got the perfect solution for that! Hot chocolate, with them cute little mini marshmallows! Who would've thought it, Rose? Mini Marshmallows, as if normal sized marshmallows weren't clever enough, But mini marshmallows? Tell you what, Humans come up with some amazing ideas!"

All she could do was laugh, he was rambling again, he was the best at having a conversation without actually saying SOMETHING. But, the thing is, he knew why she couldn't sleep. He'd known Rose's feelings for a while, he'd thought about his feelings for a while too. But, he couldn't admit or deny anything. Because, even though he was a genius, he was brilliant, had defeated the scariest creatures, and could read people like a book.. he didn't know what 'The Doctor and Rose' really were, were they JUST best friends... or were they more?

He knew they were best friends. They said that on numerous occasions, but it didn't really sum them up.

They loved each other, but weren't sure in quite what way.

Rose and The Doctor sat in the lounge drinking their hot chocolate's.

The Doctor rambling about his theories on what he thinks happened to The lost moon of Poosh, and Rose not really concentrating, sipping at her chocolate nonchalantly.


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor had realised Rose hadn't been listening a while ago now, still he continued waffling on, about lost stars and planets.

Suddenly, Rose snapped back into life.

"I almost lost you today."

The Doctor's eyes locked on hers, he went pale not knowing what to say.

"Well... I suppose you almost did yeah, not to worry, can't get rid of me that easily!" He tried to shake it off, with a cheeky grin. Rose didn't laugh along with the joke, she stared into the distance. Her face looked blank and empty.

"Would you really have left us there Doctor, all that time, no where to go, just waiting. I mean, I know what you're going to say now, 'The TARDIS would've taken you home eventually.' but that answer isn't fair, please just tell me, honestly, did you know whether you would've been able to get back or not?"

The Doctor lowered his head slightly, "I couldn't just leave her, Rose."

His tone was serious now. He was annoyed that she'd brought it up, she'd known that he would be, but hadn't thought through what to say to him if he did answer her questions.

"I get that Doctor, I really do, but you didn't tell us anything: What to do if you didn't return... whether to wait for you, or just... well I don't know, start up and emergency program on the TARDIS or something? You didn't tell us if we... I.. would ever get to see you again."

"Even if I did have, would it have made any difference? What would it have changed? And how would I even begin to tell you, Rose Tyler, that you'd never be able to see me again? How would I be able to face up to the fact... that I might not see you again?"


	3. Chapter 3

Rose didn't know what to say, what did he mean?

"...How would I be able to face up to the fact... that I might not see you again?"

She looked into his eyes and realised that he was trying to avoid her gaze.

"Do you really mean that Doctor? You... wouldn't just.. forget me?"

The Doctor looked up, and looked into her eyes, "What do you mean, would I forget you? Rose Tyler, you're amazing and brilliant, just... fantastic. Yet, you still feel you need to ask me that? Of course I wouldn't forget you."

He didn't sound like the Doctor anymore, the humerous "alway alright" Doctor that she'd know for a while now. He sounded lonely, and scarred. Like he'd let her down.

When they'd met Sarah Jane, Rose had discovered that it couldn't always be forever. That one day, she'd lose him and him her. Because she was just human.

"You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can't spend the rest of mine with you, I have to live on. Alone. That's the curse of the Time Lords."

He was so lonely, she had help make him whole again, he'd said. But he didn't need her anymore, he was a new man, she wanted so desperately to stay. To be with him forever, but if he didn't want her there, she didn't want to be there just because he was putting up with her.

"Would you rather still be there, with Reinette? Because, maybe you could go back... I could leave.. if you really wanted me to, if you had the chance to be with the one you loved, I don't want to be the one holding you back. You could drop me home, and you could be happy again..."

Her voice was cracking as she talked and she was welling up with tears. But she was being brave, the Doctor thought, he admired her for that, always the brave one. He was the coward, always had been. Running away, and keeping Rose with there, by his side, even though it was so dangerous for her being with him. But he couldn't let her leave, because he was selfish. And he felt it would break him if she ever did leave.

Why didn't he just tell her that? That he wanted her to stay?

"Doctor?" She muttered, as a tear fell from her eye.

He looked up at her, his eyes looked sad and desperate, and so sorry.

Tears were spilling out of Rose's eyes now, she ran to her room, not wanting the Doctor to see her break down in tears.

He felt so horrible, why was he doing this to her? He held his head in his hands, after ten minutes of pacing and pulling his hand through his already manic hair, he decided he could do nothing but go and talk to Rose.

He found her curled up on the floor, her face was tear stained and red, she was whispering his name in her sleep. This wasn't going to be easy.

The Doctor pulled her up of of the floor and carried her accross the room and into her bed, he bent down and kissed her forhead, he turned to walk out of the room when he heard a faint mumbled coming from the bed, "stay with me". The Doctor did exactly that. He slid off his converse, pulled off his jacket and losened his tie, and settled down next to Rose, pulling her close to him. He whispered to her, he told her "everything was going to be alright" and "a good nights sleep makes everything better", but he knew, deep inside, she was going to want an answer. Did he want her to stay or go, and he knew what the answer was, he just had to find the courage to tell Rose what he felt, and what he wanted.


	4. Chapter 4

When Rose opened her eyes, as suspected, the Doctor wasn't there. She hadnt fully expected him to stay with her the whole night, as he was a Time Lord and didn't need more than a few hours of sleep each month. And being the Doctor, he would easily get bored and get back to tinkering in the console room.

Rose was happy to wake up to another day in the TARDIS, however, that didn't last long when she remembered the conversation that she and the Doctor had had the night before.

A wave of regret and hurt seered through her body, welling up inside her stomach, making her feel sick. She would have to leave.

He'd tried to stop her from going, to make her think that everything was fine, but she knew what he was trying to do, spare her feelings. Because he knew what it felt like, to have your heart (or ,in his case, hearts) broken...  
To be surrounded by self pity and hurt. He didn't want her to go through that. But now he knew, maybe what she had said about Reinette made sense to him now, that he had to go and find her. She'd thought she acted quite rationally about the whole thing, even though the situation was tearing her apart inside.  
After all, she'd shared so many wonderful times with the Doctor, he'd shown her the stars, they'd watched in silence as suns faded out at dawn into a surreal darkness... and seen the most amazing planets being formed.  
And sharing so many wonderful experiences like those ones, were made all the more special because she got to spend them with him, the man she loved, while he gazed upon her as she looked up at the sky in amazement. Now it was her turn to let him feel something amazing. To let HIM share experiences like that with the person HE loved...

So, she would leave. It wouldn't be without tears, it wouldn't be without pain. But she would do it...For him.

Without thinking Rose made her way to the console room, still in her pyjamas, and asked the Doctor if he wanted some breakfast or a cup of tea. Suprised that she was even talking to him, he simply shook his head and tried to find some words to describe how he was feeling and what he wanted.

But before he could say anything, she mumbled "I'm going to pack." and turned to leave the control room. A wave of emotion washed over the Doctor, he felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside, he hadn't experienced such pain since the Time War, since he lost everyone. That pain was returning at the thought of losing Rose too.

"Rose-" "What now? What is it?" she said quickly, with her back to him. "What do you want me to say, to make you stay?"  
"There's nothing you can say. I'm doing this to make you happy, why are you making this so difficult?" "How could this... you leaving me, possibly make me happy? Did you not listen to anything I said yesterday... I want you to stay, with me." "As what? The little lost puppy? Following you around? Tip-toeing around, trying not to upset you? I want to 'elp,Doctor! That's the reason I'm doing this! Everytime I try to talk to you... you shut me out..." she pause, "And... actions speak louder than words. So go and find her."

"Rose Tyler, you always were right." He paused, "Actions do speak louder than words. So maybe.. this will prove to you, that I don't want you to leave" and before she could object, he turned her round to face him and placing one hand around her waste, pulling her closer to him, and the other resting gently on the side of her face, he kissed her.


	5. Chapter 5

I feel like I'm rambling a bit here... Sorry if you feel the same, But I wanted a bit of a build up to mickey finding out and stuff..  
so I guess this is it. Please Review :)

_  
During that kiss - that amazing, once in a lifetime, unforgetable kiss- Rose remembered something.  
He'd previously told her about a 'physicic link', a posh scientific phrase for 'reading someone's mind', and she had a thought. She'd seen him use that strength, of reading others thoughts and walking among their memories, on only a few occasions. However, he'd explained how it worked and how the strongest link was through the head. And right now, his hands rested lightly on the side of her head and she saw the opportunity to show him how she's been feeling, feelings that cannot be interpreted through words.

So, She showed him the confusion she felt when he died and changed his face, and the hurt and realisation... knowing that, the mysterious man with a big nose and daft ears... was gone,  
replaced by a new man.

She showed him the anger and embarressment she felt when her body had been possessed by cassandra. And how uncomfortably lonely she had felt when Cassandra was in HIS body.

And then, When they had med Sarah-Jane. The instant hatred she had felt when they had been introduced. The realisation that she couldn't be the first,  
in all of the Doctor's 900 years, she couldn't have been the first one he'd shown the wonders of the universe to.  
She couldn't have been the only one he'd been so close to, and she surely couldn't have been the first human he'd fallen in love with, could she?

And then the most powerful hurt and feeling of loneliness she'd felt when they encountered Reinette and the clockwork men.

So then, reluctantly, he pulled away. And as he looked down at her, with his ancient and sorrowful eyes, he opened his mouth to speak, but after realising that there were no words to express how sorry he was he shut his mouth again.

Rose bowed her head, blinking so that the tears wouldn't fall. But betraying her, they fell slowly from her eyes and onto the TARDIS grating and other tear ran slowly down the side of her face.

"Rose I..." He stopped again, playing the words through in his mind and quickly realising that they probably wouldn't even help the situation. So starting again, he rethought what he was going to say to her to make things better. "If I'd've known-" "If you'd've known? What would you have done? It's OK Doctor, I understand why you did all of those things, why you said everything you did..." She looked up to see him shaking his head, and let her words float away into the depths of the TARDIS. When he saw that she was finally looking up at him, he started to speak again. "No Rose, I've been so thoughtless. Sometimes I look, but I don't really take the time to see. I've hurt you so many times, without even realising. I've seen so much, but you Rose Tyler," He stopped and held his hand to the side of her face, stroking his thumb accross her cheek, "But If you let me, I'm going to make it up to you."

He smiled a weak and sympathetic smile, and moved his hand to gently tuck a strand of lose hair behind her ear. "Doctor, really it's Okay-" "Rose, Please, I.."

And before he even tried to think of an end to that sentence, he kissed her. Putting all of the passion he could into that kiss.

But just as suddenly as the kiss had started, much to both Rose and the Doctors Dissopointment, it ended. And both of their heads turned as they noticed a familiar prescence enter the console room and come to an abrupt stop.

Mickey Smith stood in the doorway of the TARDIS console room, just staring. The pained look in his eyes made her realise the sickening feeling that was arising deep in the pit of her stomach, that feeling was guilt.


	6. Chapter 6

"Guess I interrupted something?"

Mickey Smith stood in the doorway to the console room, his fists clenched and his eyes locked onto the love of his life and the last remaining Time Lord in the Universe.

"Mickey, It's not how it seems…"

"How it seems? What does it seem like to you? To me, it seems like betrayal! Jeez Rose, I know things haven't been right for a while, but you're doing THIS right under my nose, with HIM? Really?"

Both Rose and the Doctor could hear the hurt in his voice, see the burning rage in his eyes. The atmosphere was heavy on their shoulders, like a thick fog, smouldering and suffocating them.

The Doctor cleared his throat, but the fog prevailed, pulling his words out in awkward clumps.

"Mickey.. I-"

"Save it, I knew this was what you were after all along-"

The TARDIS jerked suddenly. A whining noise erupted and the monitor began to beep.

The Doctor stepped away from the feud waiting to happen and turned the monitor towards him.

"She needs fuel. We'll stop at the Time rift... I think we could all use a break."

Mickey grunted, he turned and walked out of the console room.

The Doctor and Rose exchanged a worried glance but also took a sigh of relief.

"Saved by the beep." The Doctor pronounced, Rose remained silent, the pool of guilt in the pit of her stomach growing.


End file.
